I realized today that I have been disconnected from everything spiritual in my life for some time now. I'm not sure what happened, or when, but there was a tiny ordinary event that said, "HEY!!!! You've missed us!!!!" and it sparked me to wonder what it was that actually happened and how to fix it.
I guess that, looking back, I can see where I started to lose "it." What is it? It is the connection to the "stuff" of spirituality, whether you find it through ritual, or dance, or song, or poetry, or whatever it is that you do, it's that feeling you get...a connectedness? At any rate, I think I lost it when I started to only look forward to the next day's first cup of coffee. Everything else seemed like drudgery. Yes, I still enjoyed my children. I laughed with them. I did things with them. But I wasn't feeling it as much as I usually did, and I was thinking it was just because it was a bad day.
Then, bad days seemed to run into bad days. It was still okay, I thought, because we're all just under a little stress. Or the kids haven't been able to go out because of rain. Or we're just financially strapped right now. Whatever my excuse was seemed to fit for the day. I never actually thought that I was feeling like crap because I had become disconnected from my beliefs.
So today was a crappy day. The kids were cranky and were at each others' throats. I decided to take a walk with them to get them out of the house. 45 minutes later we're finally heading out the door, minus one kiddo that wanted to stay home. Fine...we'll go without you and we'll have fun!
We get going, and it starts to feel nice to be outside in the fresh air, baby in her sling on me, Isaac beside me poking along, Matty asking lots of questions. I was just going to walk down the road a little bit then turn around, but Isaac asked so nice to go down the side road to see the water, and I *saw* him today. Like, actually SAW my baby...his face was so excited to go see the water, and he asked "Please, Mama? Go see waler?" So we went.
I showed them the different kinds of trees we were passing, we picked up some leaves, looked at some rocks, and then there was this stick. It was huge. It was like Gandalf's staff on steroids. I had to have it. So I picked it up and mused about how to carve it and decorate it. As I'm doing this, Matty sees a frog. I told the boys what frogs mean, and told them about how they're amphibians. I pointed out the hole in the ground where the frog hid, and right beside it was a perfectly dried beautifully shaped stick and my immediate thought was, "Wand!"
Now...here I am, with a baby on my hip, a giant staff in my hand, bent over by a stream picking up a wand, and it hits me: I'm telling my boys about divinatory meanings of frogs, telling them about wands, and I haven't even been doing any of this stuff myself! I felt lost and confused and blissed out mad and sad all at the same time. I still want to show my kids my beliefs, but I had lost so many chances because I had lost myself. I don't remember the last time I have read Runes, or Ogham, or divined in a bowl of water with a candle. I don't even remember the last time I lit a candle, let alone did any ritual work. Here I am, in the middle of the woods, in awe of my own stupidity.
I have always wanted to impress upon my kiddos to live their beliefs. To a point, I still have been doing it. I try to be good, to be a good person and do good and kind things. I try to help people that need help. I try to not hold anger in, and to forgive people and move on. The main principles of my belief I have been keeping to, but the other stuff...the stuff that gives my belief its flavor, I have been neglecting.
It has been so long since I sat in quiet meditation. So long since I danced. So long since I crafted anything for any reason, arcane or mundane. Now that I know this, I need to change it. I feel so much better after today, and I realize that I have lost myself more times that I would like to admit, but each time I do, I delve back into it deeper and with more love and passion. I hope that this time, I can discover more, create more, and love more than I have before. I also hope that when the next time comes that I lose myself, for whatever reason, I am quicker to forgive myself for doing so.
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